there's this actor who is desperate for work. he's flat broke and he'll do anything he can

so he calls up his agent and tells her "get me any gig you can, just get me something"

a little bit later the agent calls him back and says she has good news and bad news

the good news is she found a gig

the bad news is it's in theatre

the actors says "okay, that's fine, anything's great"

and the agent tells him she has more good news and more bad news

the good news is, they don't need him to audition

the bad news is, he only has one line

the actor says "okay, what's the line?"

the agent says "hark! I hear the cannons roar!"

the actor says "oh! that's a good line. I can do something with that line. tell them I'll take the job"

the agent says "okay. they need you on stage tomorrow at 9"

the actor is so happy he goes out all night partying and passes out

when he wakes up it's 8:30

he freaks out and runs to his car, gets in, and speeds off down the road

all the while he's practising "hark! I hear the cannons roar! hark! I hear the cannons roar! hark! I hear the cannons roar!"

he runs to the theatre and the guy says "who are you?"

the actor says "I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the guy says "you're 'hark! I hear the cannons roar?'"

he says "yes! I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the guy says "oh great! go! run to costume!"

so the actor runs to costume

the costume guy says "who are you?"

the actor says "I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the guy says "you're 'hark! I hear the cannons roar?'"

he says "yes! I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the guy slaps a costume on him and says "oh great! go! run to makeup!"

so the actor runs to makeup

the makeup guy says "who are you?"

the actor says "I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the guy says "you're 'hark! I hear the cannons roar?'"

he says "yes! I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the guy slaps makeup on him and says "oh great! go! the director's waiting for you!"

he runs up to the director and the director says "who are you?"

the actor says "I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the director says "you're 'hark! I hear the cannons roar?'"

he says "yes! I'm 'hark! I hear the cannons roar!'"

the director says "oh great! hurry! we need you on stage right now! there's your mark over there! go!"

so the actor runs on stage and hits his mark

the actor looks up and gets ready, practising in his head

"hark! I hear the cannons roar! hark! I hear the cannons roar! hark I hear the cannons roar!"

the curtain flies back to reveal the audience and a blast of cannon fire erupts behind him in an explosion of smoke and thunder

and the actor jumps five feet in the air and screams

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?"